15 minutes…

How many things can one do in fifteen (15) minutes? Power nap, read a chapter of a book, work out, prepare a quick meal, meditate, make a smoothie, you can add others. Well, on 13th April,2021 I had the honor of attending my first ever cremation for one of our angel mum’s second angel baby. If that sentence didn’t make sense, let me break it down for you. I lead an organization called Vessel Is Me, that offers psycho-social support to women and couples who have been touched by infertility, pregnancy loss and baby loss. One may ask, what is psychosocial support? Well, it varies from woman to woman, couple to couple. This specific mother, we had walked this journey with her in late 2019 when she experienced her first baby loss at twenty nine (29) weeks.

Let’s call her Kim. Kim attended our last support group meeting (therapy tribe) in November 2019, two (2) weeks after she had experienced her loss. At the meeting, we were all in awe of her because most of our attendees were dealing with historical grief i.e. a loss that happened over five (5) years ago. So, seeing her sit amongst us was like a unicorn moment. How is she even here? How did she master up the strength to get out of bed, shower, bath and drive here? In our community, the hardest thing to do is to get out of bed. Many mums say that they would spend weeks upon weeks in bed, wallowing, debating, complaining, cursing basically everything else other than sleeping. Kim was phenomenal. She didn’t stop there, she went to share her story without crying. We, the ones supposed to offer support were crying our eyes out. As she shared her story of how heartless people around her had been, we all understood that pain. The doctor, the nurses, the family members, friends, father of the baby we all have experienced that unkindness, yes some say its ignorance, we call it hurt. Kim buried her first baby in Lusaze KCCA cemetery (somewhere around Mengo), I can’t describe in words how run down this place is. I went with her on her baby’s first anniversary, and I understood why people say, “Rest In Peace (R.I.P)” this place was far from peaceful. It’s grazing land, people use it as a short cut to the main road, it’s basically not well taken care of but I guess those are things we shouldn’t be focused on as the living, right? Let the dead bury the dead.

This time when Kim told us that she was expecting, we were hopeful. That’s what we do as Vessels: be HOPEGIVERS. Check-ins were a must, unfortunately because of Covid 19 we couldn’t have face to face meetings but she did attend the last therapy tribe of 2020, looking brighter and smiling more. When she sent me that message, “lost the baby” on March 31st March 2021 at 8:27pm; I dropped to the floor. It’s like I had lost my own baby, I went back to Keitangaza’s time. This happens every time someone calls, sends a message to let me know that a woman has lost their baby. I personify it because that’s what we are supposed to do, we are our sisters’ keepers. I told my right hand what had just happened, we both Selah-ed, knowing that we needed to go be Vessels. Kim wasn’t in the right state of mind. Let me break this down for you.

This is her second still birth. Same hospital, same doctor, same nurses, same hospital room and same gestation period (29 weeks) as her first angel baby. Therapists call this Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) the state she is in. Recurring loss builds on the previous grief making it complicated. Think of the game Jenga (check picture below) as you try to remove one block or deal with one pain, one has to be careful not to topple any of the other blocks over. This is the myriad that bereaved parents face on a daily without having to add on top of it. Kim requested for her baby girl to be cremated. I thank God for relational capital, I called my Indian cousin who was able to help me fulfil this request. As the family were trying to get the permit from KCCA, a process lined with bribes upon bribes; Kim got a slight stroke. Ya, I know. At this point, my faith was tested. I asked God how much can one human being deal with? This for me was the “hands up in the air” emoji moment, or so I thought. “Denise, I would really like for you to attend the cremation with my mum,” she said. I was set back by this ask because I didn’t think my presence was needed at this point. There’s a time to leave the family to grieve, then there’s a time for vessels to show up. I didn’t know this was one of those vessel show up moments.

The crematorium is embedded with stillness, a silence that is almost mind numbing but also humbling. It’s right in the middle of two busy roads, yet upon entry I can’t say that I heard any traffic around. Baby Hope was wrapped in light blue cotton sheet, white lace embroidered on the borders: something her grandmother carried from home. As we watched the gentlemen set up the logs upon the iron cast bed, my mind wondered to Kim’s mum who seemed to have embraced the stillness of the environment. As she laid Baby Hope’s body on the logs and took a couple of steps back, my mind wondered this is a grandmother cremating her grandchild. What was she thinking? This is a group that we rarely think about: the grandparents. One of the gentlemen, asked her to ignite the fire that would light the logs. She never once turned her back on Hope. She watched as these flames erupted.

To imagine that everything around Hope was dead, the logs, the iron cast bed, the sheet she was wrapped in; the only thing that was alive was the fire, which was consuming her. Aiding her transformation from this world to the next. Scary and beautiful at the same time.

15 minutes, 900 seconds is the time it took for baby Hope to return to ash.

As we are reminded on Ash Wednesday, “remember you’re dust and unto dust you shall return.”

Genesis 3:19.

I would like to thank Kim and her family for letting us walk this journey with them. We are truly honored and humbled.