Children are to be seen and not heard, that’s the environment most of us were brought up in; the sad reality of this parenting approach is that kids grow up not knowing how to ask for anything or speak up for themselves in case of injustices. We always wait for someone else to speak then we join but even then, our voices are more of a whisper, that’s why very vocal people in our communities are regarded as big headed because we grew up with that mentality.
“Kekimuri, it’s easier to turn a NO into a YES, than it is to turn a YES into a NO,” my dad would say. This is what formed my asking culture or lack of. What I know for sure is every list or request I put forward would be met with a NO. That was the default setting, this continuous response meant that I would have to develop other ways to get what I wanted. Mind you, that NO would turn into a YES much later and to no fault of my dad, he also learned this or developed this as a coping mechanism to his own trauma. My mum was always my partner in crime, being a housewife, she had to come up with lists upon lists for management of all our daily needs, once we entered Secondary School then it became every woman for herself. I remember that black pen…. ohh we dreaded that pen. My dad would edit your shopping list from the title to the sign off. The dirtier your list, the less money you received. This was the beginning of my loathing to ask. I would rather find alternative ways than face the black pen and No.
Fast forward to 2019, I start a non profit organization – the irony isn’t lost on me because 80% of the work is asking for support. I literally have a day to call people (phone anxiety is real) , I write down my asks, pick up the phone and dial. I’m half minded about the whole call, I don’t want them to pick up but then I also want them to pick up so I can make my request known because if you don’t ask, the answer is always NO. I have been working on my ASK: Ask, Seek, Knock by just diving in, free falling is what I call it; and it’s been brutal. I’ll take two days off to just deal with the NOs (rejections). I actually prefer the NOs than the “let me see” I genuinely don’t know what to do with those. Our language as Ugandans is riddled with falseness that “let me see” in my head is equated to a NO, I do get shocked when someone says YES but even along the way I am still anxious about the whole set up because in the real world, I have experienced many people say YES then go mute.(revert to my dad’s rule of thumb) That is another level of gaslighting.
“Kekimuri, it’s easier to turn a NO into a YES, than it is to turn a YES into a NO,” my dad would say.
I am learning that quotes like, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for” have two sides to it because most people have a self-interest: if it doesn’t match yours even if they are in a position to help they won’t because “nfunira wa” culture has gripped them. I have met angels along this Vessel is Me journey (I’ll share about them in a follow up post) who have really embodied that cheerful giver attitude, heart swelling moments for me and my team.
My question to you: Is it possible to give without strings attached? #storiesleftuntold #legendsareborninnovember
The only wealth which you will keep forever is the wealth, you have given away. – Marcus Aurelius (Roman Emperor, 121 AD- 180AD)
