The silence is deafening in a hospital room after a miscarriage or death of a baby but the one person’s silence that is a given is the husband/partner/boyfriend(for this piece we shall call them significant other) His silence is conditioned, in fact if he speaks, it’s either to ask for the hospital bill and say “OK” at the whichever medical staff is giving him instructions on after care of the wife. His own father can’t speak to him because culture didn’t give them space to be vulnerable with their children (makes you wonder whether they are vulnerable with their wives?) the ones who discarded culture, can empathize say a prayer and a tap on their son’s back (there, there) but is that enough?
I recently sat with a gentleman called Mike whose grief had been suppressed for over 8 years ago. As we enjoyed coffee together he sat back and said, “Kecho, where were you guys 8 years ago?” I was puzzled, what did he mean? He went on to share his story. His wife who at the time was carrying twins woke him up in the middle of night (I think maternity wards need to catch this, babies come at NIGHT!!!) was bleeding, he said that it wasn’t right she had 3 more months. This wasn’t normal. They rushed to one of the private hospitals in Kampala, her gynecologist was on the phone asking million questions. He didn’t know what color the discharge was, he just wanted to know that they as a whole were ok. He gets to the hospital; the gate man starts giving him lip. He wanted to drive through the gate but the gateman was asking him to sign the book. He said, “I didn’t even know what my car number plate was! This idiot refused us to enter until we signed. Meanwhile Mary was screaming!” Apparently, the screaming didn’t raise an alarm. He finally opens the gate, he drives through. At this point Mike is out of his mind, he parks in the emergency area parking he didn’t even know that only ambulances park there but who cares Mary’s screaming was his push. He jumps out of the car, runs to the reception. Yes, he forgot her in the car. As he was screaming at the nurse on duty, she asks, “where is your wife?” He looks at her in horror, “I left her in the car.” The nurse saves him, pulls a wheel chair calls other nurses they head to the car and carry her out. The gateman comes over again, Mike sees him and shouts, “Now what?” The gate man says, “only ambulances park here.” Hahahaha, you know that palm in face emoji (insert here) Mike asked him whether he knew how to drive, throw the keys at him and run inside. The nurse shoves a clip board with a million papers on, he asks what this is for? We need her information. Mike is confused, she is a patient of Dr. so and so. The nurse looks at him, that’s a consultant he isn’t a permanent staff. The doctor on duty will need information. Mike puzzled at this point, if she has a file here, why can’t they take it to him and then he can pick up from there. Mary turns to him, whispers “don’t worry, Dr. So and So is coming he stays 20mins from here” You would think this is going to calm him down, it doesn’t. Mike has to fill the damn forms and the first question he gets stuck on is Date of Birth. It seems that Mike had forgotten almost everything apart from her name. The nurse asked whether they were on insurance, he replied, “cash” Very proud of himself, till he turned to look for his wallet. By this time Mary had been wheeled to the ultrasound room, he called his brother to tell him what was going on and also ask him to come with money because he had only picked his keys and phone. Mary asked him to join her in the room, he goes in. He said that he felt like he was entering the principal’s office after being caught cutting prep, you know that feeling? Sadly, I did. He walks in, Mary is crying. The screaming had turned to tears. He is looking at the sonographer, explain! Explain! What have you done to my wife. The guy begins to explain that he can only hear one heartbeat. What does that even mean? Mike confused, holds on tight to Mary, he said that he didn’t know what to say because he didn’t understand what was going on. Dr. So and So walks in, Mike is happy, the guy who can fix this heartbeat thing. He said that he understood the sonographer meant he only hears Mary’s heartbeat meaning that both babies were dead so when Dr. So and So came in and explained that they need to rush to the theatre and save the other one, Mike gave out a shout of joy but upon looking at Mary he knew that wasn’t the right response. She was wheeled away. Mike insisted to sit by the theatre door. He didn’t want to leave her, but he also didn’t want to face his family who were already outside. He said that he sat on the floor wondering what had happened? Why did the other twin’s heart stop? How was Mary doing? What happens if she doesn’t make it out of the surgery? Why was this happening to them? He started talking to the “higher power” Mike said that then he didn’t believe in God, and this experience even affirmed it more. If he is an all-knowing God, he should have given them one, why two then take away one?
“The surgery went well, Mary was very strong in there. We have placed the girl in the incubator she is having difficulty breathing but she’s a fighter. She came out holding her brother’s fingers” Mike broke down at that moment. Dr. So and So asked whether he wanted to see the boy, asked whether they had named them. Mike was confused because depending on who comes out first that is Kakuru/Nyangoma and the one who comes out last is Katto/ Nyakatto. He said, “Nyangoma & Katto. Off they went to the theatre to see Katto. Mike wasn’t ready, he said that he looked like an alien. Something foreign but he had 10 fingers, 10 toes, well formed. He could see through him. He just stood there and cried his eyes out. The nurse next to him, asked if they had made burial plans? Mike hadn’t. She offered that the hospital had options of taking care of the babies who died prematurely. Mike liked that option. He said that he didn’t want Mary to see Katto because it would slow her healing process. Dr. So and So advised him against that and asked the nurse to hold on until the mother had woken up. Mike was led to the room, Mary kept going in and out of consciousness but she finally came to about 2 hours after. “Where are our babies?” those were her first words. Mike looked at her, began to explain. She screamed at him to bring her babies now! He run out of the room, Dr. So and So had left, but had instructed the team to not touch Katto until Mary woke up. Mike was thankful that Dr. So and So had made that decision for him. He tells the nurse to bring Katto, “they brought him in the green scrub cloth” Mary held him, sang to him, put him on her. She asked him to tell her sister to bring his “blue outfit” She was actually in the waiting room, so she came in to see them (Mike had refused visitors) she went to Ntinda to pick the bag and other things she will need plus Mike’s wallet. From this moment on, Mike said that he became invisible. Mary was obsessed with Katto, the nurses kept passing by him to check on her, monitor her pressure, make sure she was comfy. Mike said that he became the invisible man. When Mary’s mother showed up, he was actually kicked out of the room. He asked one of the nurses to show him where the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) was, he went to be with Nyangoma. “she was tiny but her chest kept moving up and down, up and down then it would stop and I would get a mini heart attack, then it starts again” The many tubes traumatized him, he felt she was pain but the nurses in there explained what each tube was doing. He sat with her, sang to her, talked to her about Katto, about his fears in that moment, he asked her to fight, fight her brother who couldn’t make it, fight for her mother, fight for him. The NICU became his hiding place from that day on, Nyangoma became his bestie till now. He figured he wasn’t needed unless to pay bills and drive Mary home and back to the hospital. “what happened to Katto?” I asked. “Kecho, world war is what happened? I wanted to bury him in the cemetery since our village is far, her mother said that they would bury him in their family burial grounds in Gayaza. Kecho, they buried my boy in their grounds.” I was told to stop complicating things, so I did exactly that. Now every time I want to see him, I have to tell their people that I am coming, I just can’t show up on a random day, I have to prepare ahead (talk about complications) “where you given time with him apart from in the theatre?” I asked. He replied, “ya, 15 minutes before they closed his casket and lowered him into the grave.”
What have we gotten wrong? Is death something we have failed to accept and thus it has affected our grieving process? Should men be allowed to cry their hearts out and not be judged as they also have experienced a loss? They might not have had the physical connection but every father has dreams and hopes for their children, a loss has occurred and it must be grieved. Men, you have every right to mourn for your child, to spend time with your baby after they have died, to bury your babies, to speak about your pain & grief.
This International Bereaved Father’s Day held on 30th August 2020, Vessel Is Me will be hosting two gentlemen (details in the poster below) discussing men’s grief in our African society.
For the Bereaved fathers seeking support do reach us on our Vessel Is Me numbers: +256-787 837734/758-236196
